I always check to make sure its OK that I come over, and his response is Its always fine for you to come over! Except for, you know, the times that its not, because hes busy or working or having a roommate meeting or doing one of the many things he might be doing. talked about what to do if someone seems open to making plans initially, but you never actually seem to make plans, Questioning Questions | Aceso Under Glass, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. Even with friends who I am 100% sure would welcome me showing up unexpectedly, its still a nice thing to do! At the same time, I get really antsy about people coming over to drop by even when I do have a good couple of hours of notice. It was a slight point of contention, because she had to put in unavailability requests (and had her rosters) two months ahead, whereas Im lucky to have my roster a week in advance. And it started out just being ok for his and mine going oh hey I dont stress about this as much. I have this problem, tooI canNOT invite myself somewhere, even if I know the host would be happy to have me. Do you want to catch up? Yes. These two used to be good friends who were easy with each other. I am just a very messy person (which is sometimes exacerbated by depression). and our It seemed like most people of my parents generation that I knew had a living room for visits, and a den for family.). Some people would probably consider this secretive and dishonest, but tbh Im not sure she would. Is this something I should be policing in my speech? they just didnt want me there. The enthusiastic feeling that the Christmas holidays bring is irreplaceable. My room was never a safe space, my parents would randomly trash it, tearing posters down, tossing the place for evidence of fuck knows what, then throw out all of my stuff. On the topic of work drop-bys as compared to home drop-bys, specifically the vibe created by the interruption: To support this ministry and help us continue to reach people all around the world click here: I have mild recurring plantar fascitis, so standing can get uncomfortable. You want things to go right for T, and your son to be happy with the results as well, and leave T wanting more. *by people, I mean the gentry and nobility, not real people. I never lived in those days. This leaves friend feeling frustrated that Im ignoring them and making it hard for them to plan their Saturday. I know, but like I said up thread, Ive had a couple of friends in the past who would in fact regularly cancel that close to whatever-it-was, so I got in the habit for a while because I couldnt trust that plans were real. Im, uh, Im actually really glad youre seeing a counselor because there are several red flags in this comment that make me think he might have been emotionally abusing you. Let me know how that goes does actually more than just not asking to invite you. There are really tough dynamics at play because FAMILY and also because its been going on for years. If you're a fun, interesting person, who gets along well with everyone who's coming, then nobody's really going to protest if you appear. Its run the gamut from casual weekend brunches out (okay, fine, I wanted to catch up with you specifically but I guess its cool that you brought three other friends I dont know, fine, whatever, as long as they pay their share of the bill [hint: they never do]) to actual trips across state lines where someone we know is generously hosting and has to suddenly find room for an extra person. Feel free to use. It could also mean that he really enjoys your company and just wants to hang out. I have appointments, errands, etc.). Me, too!, Oh, youre a vegetarian now? Their visits were usually a minimum of 2-3 hours, and it wasnt uncommon for them to stay for the entire day on Saturdays and Sundays. So yes, for a lot of people it IS shame-cleaning. Also, I dont really agree that there was a certain time when these things were normal and now its all changed. If Im doing my stuff and dont have the emotional currenncy to make awkward small talk with an acquaintance in the street Ill darn well duck behind a tree and hide. Im glad Im not the only person who got a needy vibe from that. Some will even have the gall to ask if they can bring groups of their friends mind you, these are people Ive never met before in my life so that I can fucking host a group of strangers on my vacation! In general, I think friends should communicate about and establish the status quo on this matter at the point in their relationships where they are going over to each others houses routinely. Its much harder to say no gently if you just want a quiet afternoon alone and someone is a block from your house wanting to come over and they can see your car in the driveway. My mums completely different. In more structured situations (like my wedding) they arrived in event-appropriate attire with their inside voices intact, consistent with their middle class upbringing and higher education level. A very important step to take here is to give him prior notice. So. If we visited someone, it was meticulously prearranged and we would show up on the very dot of the agreed-upon time not a minute sooner, not a minute later. I mind people seeing things that I put away when I know people are coming. I want to live in the world of calling cards. Oh, lovely. Not saying you shouldnt ask, but be aware that its not always going to end in the clear communication youd like it to. Intimacy and connection with other people means putting yourself out there, taking risks, and sometimes making mistakes. When a guy has a thing for you, he'll want to talk to you all the time and as often as possible. It should never sound like you're begging to come over to his place. Hell no!! I used to live in a basement apartment. Have at. I have a very good friend who does this. They may have to entertain an unwanted guest when they'd rather be doing something else. A soft no is still a no. Or maybe what I was doing would have seemed less interesting than an SO in the living room. Either the object of your attention will track you down when their schedule clears, or theyll drift back into your orbit in some serendipitous way a few months down the road and youll have the opportunity to try again, or they wont. No notice necessary.. He won't necessarily have a good conversation starter at the top of his mind or really know what to say to you. So we were both missing eachother and thinking the other didnt want to be friends anymore. Is this someone Ive invited to my house at one time or another? Id agree its worth checking in with your friend, LW, to say something like hey, I didnt mean to intrude the other day and Im sorry that I did. Was I being rude to talk about my sister's nintendo switch? If you just want to come in and chat and you have not ASKED beforehand or something, not going to happen. [6] 3 Make a list of everything you want to pack. It was so unpleasant (awful). (closes door, puts in earplugs to block out resulting temper tantrum, goes back to bed) Yeah, his reaction was so weird. In general, if a group seems genuinely cliquey, then think twice about inviting yourself along to something they're doing. Calling me from the car as you sit in my driveway, However, if I am waiting for you to pick me up, please do not text me to say you are waiting. Adventures in different communication styles continue. I think thats a polite expression though. 1 pm. If someone is going to visit my home, I need enough notice to get myself and the main areas of the house decent before they turn up. Moreover, I think its self-absorbed to assume that your social acquaintance/friend that wasnt invited to a thing particularly wants to hear all about how much fun you had without them doing whatever thing it was you were doing. You: There is a court at my place. Oh, and I forgot to add: people who live in a way where they have to clean for hours just to have people over? Asking a little in advance gives me a chance to refuse if Im busy or say yes enthusiastically (and shame-clean) if Im not. About half of the time the idea of having an unexpected guest fills me with dread because I have used up all my dealing-with-people energy (probably some time in the course of my long work week) and the guest is interrupting my VERY IMPORTANT time alone with my xbox or a book. Based on his demeanor he is ready too but is probably too shy to ask you over. I really disagree with that, for two reasons: 1. Housework is one of the first things to fall by the wayside both for my anxiety and my partners depression. Also, LW, Im sorry to say this but it sounds like your friend is trying to pull a slow fade. I like the idea of just asking directly, but Id be uncomfortable using the phrase Im socially awkward, even in a joking and self-deprecating way, unless I really knew and trusted the people. Ideally they text you when theyre on the way so you know when to be ready, so you can just be waiting for them anyway. Sometimes right as I was getting home from work. Also, usually I dont have pants on. So glad youre not busy in the afternoon. Im yet another person who doesnt go to things unless explicitly invited. I think it was Phyllis Diller who said that she used to, when people arrived to visit and it looked as if a tornado had hit the living room, say in a plaintive voice, Who could have done this to us? (Im sorry I have a lot of issues around this sort of thing ahahah). And to the subject of unexpected visits. Haha. Unsolicited doorbell Ill never answer but texting from the viscinity I feel like I can easily refuse, Sorry, not a good time, maybe next time or sure, lets meet at the cafe though, my house is a mess. The etiquette of invitations varies widely as to region, culture, relationship & history, personality, not to mention cellular phone ownership and use, and its a particular minefield for people who have anxiety around and/or trouble reading nonverbal or unwritten social cues. Instead, find out what activities they like, and invite them to do something you both enjoy. Or if theyre not ok with it, Ill bring a book (well I bring one anyway) and sit in my car and read until its suppose to start (because suppose to and actual are different times and that seriously bothers me). So anyone else asking for hugs is probably gonna be met with side eye. Its definitely a different dynamic from things like uni friends where its a smaller and tighter group that you hang out with them in person all the time though. Its never occurred to me that anyone would find it rude! The default should, IMVHO, probably be dont surprise anyone in their sanctuary, be it a dorm room, apartment or house, without them specifically saying that you are welcome to drop by any time, using their words, and unless your rules are similar and also expressed clearly, using your words. The closer someone is, the more I feel I can relax around them and the less trouble it feels to have them over unexpectedly. Absolutely not for me to drop by but also not for other people to drop by here. Guess Cultureplays a part, where Askers figure Why not, the person can just say no! and Guessers are like Arrrghhh how can the person not know better/I find it very difficult to say no to a direct request. So Im glad that you wrote in. Thank you for this post! It will be 6pm and we can have dinner. Remember to spank her for being naughty when she leans over. 5,121 views Aug 1, 2012 40 Dislike Share Save Carli Olson 11. And mine is people that wont stop by even when theyre in the area, even if they are driving right by, even if they have nothing pressing to do, JUST because some people think its rude. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. I know that shame cleaning exists and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad or shamed and I apologize if I did that. Ive run into a cultural problem with friends who, I think, want me to invite myself over: theyll describe an event like watching a movie at their place and express surprise that I wasnt there, but I never received an invitation or even knew that the event was taking place. Your cousins tantrums are telling you something, here. Hope you resolve your health issues in some way, and are able to venture out again. Come for dinner tonight at 8:00 is an invitation, Come by later is Hey, glad to see you, we should catch up at length soon. I havent spent time in Brazil, so I dont know if thats a Brazilian thing or a dudes-who-grew-up-with-M-specifically-where-he-grew-up thing but it is a real thing, and M. has had to rethink and clarify it for American friends now that he lives here., Its absolutely a Brazil thing, hahahahaha. What we can do is trust the LWs perception of their own life and their own relationships prior to this point. I never had anyone randomly search my room, but I too have privacy as a trigger (my issues growing up are a pale shadow of what you went through), and boy do I understand. Maybe if you were really good friends with someone and didn't do it too much it would be fine, but otherwise try to avoid it. I told her that she needs to call before visiting and she basically said if she did that either mom or myself would say no, so shes just going to continue showing up. I am saving the galaxy right now from assimilation because I will never solve it, and yet it keeps looping. Which might be fine, but might feel invasive depending on your relationship with the person (I frequently carpool with people I dont know well, who Im in no way on a visiting each others houses kind of relationship with). But in a city, where street parking is hard to find and the only option is to circle the block forever or else park in such a way that someones driveway is blocked (ahem, see my rant a few comments up), it just doesnt make any sense to do that unless you are specifically planning to visit the persons home before going out. There aren't any hard and fast rules. However, as long as I have time to grab a shower and put on my going outside pants, you arent really imposing here. See Id totally get that we should do this! doesnt actually mean it until you make specific plans, but as soon as someone actually mentions a day Id assume its something that is almost certainly going to happen and we just need to confirm the time. Its often said that a way to a guys heart is through his stomach. If she does make plans with you and invest something into the friendship, I think switching to Im going to be in your area running errands, want to meet for coffee/lunch/whatever? is going to prevent any future issues. I cant tell if this is a serious enough thing that I should consider a caveat for this type of thing too. Its like I had been taking math tests all my life under the impression that being good at math meant that I was supposed to just intuit the answer, and that doing anything to figure it out was cheating and then finding out that Im allowed to actually use math! Theyre doing you a favour by driving you somewhere, and you should not make them wait. I dont think it was all or nothing when I was a kid. Oh I agree that asking directly may not yield usable information. You could mention that you have a commitment after and will need to leave his place by a given time. Because she is a flaming poopcake and knows I am likely to say no to 99% of her intrusive bullshit requests. They allowed me to make soft nos and those soft nos were more often accepted, because hey, were asking if youre free right now so if you say no well go do our thing and move on with our lives instead of sending a bunch of follow up texts trying to lock you in to a date. 2. I was raised that its unforgivably rude to show up to any gathering, no matter how casual, without an explicit Would you like to go to X event? But then as I grew up and encountered casual, after-work, anyone-who-wants-to-come-can-come events, I was finally told that I was isolating myself by expecting an explicit invitation because thats not how it works.. My son, who is 7, has a best friend at school that he adores. Not everyone has great insight into their own emotions. The solution is to not let her throw it back at you. Also, I dont really agree that there was a certain time when these things were normal and now its all changed.. One of my flats about ten years ago, when we had our housewarming party a guy turned up about three hours before the usual start time about 6 I think, and even at 9 you wouldnt expect many people to have arrived yet. The short version, LW, is: Always ask. He's not going to want to have you over again if he has to spend the next hour scraping bits of lasagna off the bottom of a pan. How to invite yourself over to someone's house. Yeah. Britney: Were going out. so definitely think you are spot on with your advice and response here, especially about letting her be the one to reach out next. 3. Then you can say, What are you doing later/tonight/this weekend? and theyll say, Hannibal marathon with X and Y, want to come? or even, I was thinking about heading down to the new brunch place, and you can try something like, Ive been meaning to check that place out! which is not QUITE inviting yourself along but can land you an invitation. A ton of people who have executive function issues for various reasons struggle with guilt at their inability to meet this standard at all times, so they dont want to let others into their house without achieving that basic cleanliness level first. I mean, were all grown-ups now, and a valuable adulting skill is learning that you arent automatically awarded an invitation because youre Part Of The Group. I once had a friend invite himself along on a trip to Europe. Be female. You may say something like, "That sounds great. The real standout is the time he came to a free preview of my show well and good and proceeded to hang around after curtain, and after notes, and until I had said, Call times at 5 tomorrow, guys, see you then! But only she knows why she reacted that way. But in Small Town, on the rare occasions when it wasnt a good time for hanging out, no matter how low-grade, it was very hard to say that in a socially acceptable way. And articulately. Even if it's occasionally fine, it isn't something anyone should make a habit of doing, or take it for granted as a way to hang out with people. Sorry! I love her dearly but I need more notice than wanna go out in an hour? I dont mind being asked because sometimes I do wanna be spontaneous but I also probably will say no most times and would like to not have to be in the position to have to constantly be the naysayer. A similar (probably unintentional but still annoying) tendency Ive seen in some of my friends is to lead with partial questions, e.g. Or in the North, for heat-related reasons, and also only one of us should have to brave the cold and ice. I hate drop-ins, for many of the above reasons. For me I think the drop-by depends on how lengthy and intrusive of a visit its going to be. ), This doesnt mean it cant be okay in specific workplaces, or with specific people! Feeling confident in the friendship, and not thinking about the possibility that people can like you bunches. If you're inviting somebody over to your house and it's the fourth date, there may be a presumption of sex on his part. And so, count your blessings that cleaning is a hassle but not a source of shame brain-weasels. Which is why I despise despise despise Google Hangouts, but thats a completely different story. For instance, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., you won't discuss chores around the house or the kids (unless it's an emergency) because it pulls you and everyone in the house out of work mode into house . Provided it is offered in good spirit and without unpleasant tone, I regard it as a gift that might be useful to me. Home Security / By loviehomes. Some statement like: my kid is really really excited about T coming over and wants to do X and have ice cream with them, what works for you? If he thinks there's a chance you might show up with your suitcase trying to stay the weekend, he'll be more apt to shut your dinner-and-a-movie suggestion down. Not offering reassurances about identity and place of living. I want you to keep that AC running. I think many of the people in your life will be grateful to you for placing things firmly on the space-time continuum. Its the soft no issue. After reading how to get a girl to come over to your house, don't take it for granted. I like to be alone. A friend of mine lives there and I dont get to see her that often. I moved country recently and keeping up with my best friend is hard work that is almost completely on me. A guy may not even realize you want to spend time with him at his place until you bring it up. Hi all, long time lurker, first time commenter I have seen this from both sides of the dropping by conundrum. Of course it only works with a host who isnt too shy and self-conscious to actually ask me to leave. Hi, sorry, Im right here, lets go now; love you parents But if she leans over you and is not bothered with brushing her body against yours, you have got a winner here. Ask him over because he won't say no. I announced a Rule that anyone who shows up early is working, and the next time those same bachelors showed up early, I handed each one a chore. Eventually the pursued individual just grows weary of all the unwanted attention, and starts responding sharply (if they respond at all) when the other person wont gracefully take the hint and back off. Most times its a yeah or no but well be home in an hour, go on and let yourself in. I think just showing up is different from inviting yourself over in a way that allows for a no, but some people would be very uncomfortable even with asking if you can come over (the assumption being that if they want you to come to their house, its on THEM to ask YOU). Getting her terrible twos out of the way while shes still two, like a boss! Not everyone is commfortable having other people see the house in that state (and if you only just about have the spoons to manage those basics, you probably dont have the spoons to entertain anyone else, much less do extra baking or bothering with fancy soaps). Asking someone over to hang out at your house is much more personal if you ask him in person -- when that's possible and practical. I'm trained as a counselor. I poured out my heart. Now one is enforcing etiquette rules, and the other is wondering if theyre really rules so as to figure out if any were broken as though knowing that would make her right and her friend wrong. I cant say whats objectively right, but I can say thatI think this particularfriend of yours might be somewhat like me in these preferences relative to you and how they see your friendship. Repairing this friendship might involve giving your friend some space, planning things more in advance (Hey, Im picking up my mail tomorrow at 2pm, do you have time for a quick visitthen?), and in not going to her house unless she specifically invites you there. I know that probably seems like a small/petty distinction, but in terms of the LWs question I just want to emphasize how much more fun ALL aspects of hosting are for me when I know about them in advance. Thats an attractive quality. Hey, these new gaslights I bought, arent they great?. Like my ex was anxious about casual invitations outside of her home (like at a nearby pub) that had less than 24 hours notice. He only ever is here for 15 minutes and hes been my husbands friend for more than 20 years so I dont feel as if I can be as agressive about my boundaries as I normally am. Or very close family. it can be hurtful to realize your best friend does not think of you as their best friend. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. They will say yes or no and you will figure something out. Ill have discomfort discussing a plan with a person if its a plan that they could conceivably have been involved with. I agree 100% with this. The house was never in fact very dirty and usually was fairly presentable even without the deep-clean, but my mom was ashamed and embarrassed by any perceived imperfection that she thought others would notice. Yeah the idea of being judged for passing through and not stopping and diverting your route to go see someone every time? Instead of spending time wondering how to invite her back to your place during the date, strategize before the date by choosing a dinner spot that is close to home . If it werent for the fact that shes very understanding about how introverted I am it would bug the hell out of me, and if we werent close friends if probably be mysteriously perma-busy after a few occasions of this (after trying Use Your Words, depending on how much I cared about the friendship.) Put that out of your mind until your dd leaves home. She enjoys learning about relationship and communication skills in order to develop her own and others' relationships. It's more expected that everyone will keep up with what's going on, and take the initiative to get involved if they're interested. On the flip side I think I need to be nicer to my 6 year old. I think one of the key pieces there, too, is that there was a clearly-defined room for doing the visiting in, which was otherwise generally not lived in. 3. If we set up a specific time, place, and activity, then I am definitely going and so are you, unless one of us says otherwise! For example if Bob Alice Camille Davy et al all know that Bob and Gerry are going on their honeymoon starting on Friday, I will feel fine talking about the picnic on Saturday. But why do people think the fun event that X wasnt invited to attend is fun for them to hear about in any way at all? She even brought a boyfriend that she knew I hated to my graduation dinner, uninvited, that my parents were paying for and was only for about six people, including my grandparents. His dads Belgian and his mums Irish and he grew up in Ireland but went to university in Belgium and hes been working in Austria for the last five years but he spends a lot of time in Ireland and I have NO IDEA which version he was using and I dont have his phone number!. If I am picking you up at a certain time, best practice dictates that you are at the door, ready to go.